I take a Breath.
As I stare out at an Autumn rain,
Falling vast starlets of energy,
Compound the worries of my soul,
As simple purveyors of the essence of this universe.
I wonder often about my internal weavings,
Seeking answers to starving questions,
Of remorse and pity,
Guilt and shame,
That binds my hands and calls my bluff.
I seek freedom from my selfish cage,
Leaking life fluid as I,
Bend these infernal bars,
And know that I can never wrest that key.
I twist, turn, struggle, bleed, scream,
For hope to hear to come and see,
But hope seems absent,
And in frustration I learn to love my cage,
I learn to live in fecund halls of self pity.
In this internal sheol I make my home,
Decaying mass of self loathing,
My insides hard and brittle,
Bear shallow resemblance to Godborn form.
How long shall I crouch, hidden,
In this fell bog, in darkness crying?
How much victimization can I consume?
How much self flagellation is enough?
What is my threshold for torture and regret?
As I seek new knives to cut flesh,
I find silver sliver of God's spark,
Buried in flesh deep and hidden by ego,
The spark is tiny, a seed of minute stature.
But as I gaze its internal flame grows,
And I recognize my own DNA,
Divine blueprint of God/man apparent,
I break open inside, washed with grace,
God is HERE, God in me…Me in God.
And all that I have built,
All that I have known,
All that I call self,
Is blasted, purified, recreated.
And I take another breath.